Dear Engaged Couple—
Yes, I am a wedding officiant but I am also a premarital counselor. I see couples who don’t necessarily have problems going into their marriage, but who want to find out more about each other. Through counseling they hope to avoid serious potholes, hairpin turns or even a barricade on the marital road they are about to travel. Besides our counseling sessions, one book that some couples have found helpful is the New York Times Bestseller, The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, a thirty year veteran marriage counselor.
According to Gary Chapman, people are looking for different signs in a relationship—signs that say “I love you, I really do.” For some people love is equated with quality time. He or she truly loves you if he or she is willing to spend a night out on the town with you–or a day in with you, watching reruns and eating popcorn. For others love is equated with affirmation, “I love you so much. Or it really turns me on the way you….” These are just two, of the five love languages. The entire list reads like this:
1) Affirmation
2) Quality time
3) Acts of Service
4) Gift giving
5) Physical Touch (including but not exclusively sex)
Since Christmas and Christmas shopping will soon be upon us, I thought I would focus today on gift giving (number 4 in our list of 5 languages). The consensus among engaged couples I have counseled is that gift giving is not as important as the other four. I believe what they say. It’s not that important to me either. Except, except –well, except that it IS. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t think that I am THAT materialistic. It’s just that gifts say something about a relationship and sometimes they say the wrong thing.
So, for instance, a friend of mine received from her beloved on their first Christmas as a married couple, footed pjs, you know the kind with the flap in the back? When she, of coursewould have preferred a sexy negligee or a teddy. I mean really! Did he consider her a child in the art of love making? Sad to report, they are divorced now. Although there’s probably no direct link between the pjs and the demise of their marriage, you have to wonder if the pjs weren’t an early indication that they had some stormy days ahead.Another friend of mine gave his wife breast augmenters– because she always complained of having small breasts. That gift didn’t go over well, either. They also are now divorced.
Other gift giving ideas to stear clear of, especially if you are engaged—electric blankets—“You didn’t expect ME to keep you warm, did you?”A washing machine and/or dryer. “Now you know why I REALLY want to marry you” (same goes for dish washers, frying pans, blenders, or food processors).
And anything, let me repeat, ANYTHING having to do with losing weight. DO NOT give your beloved an exercise video, even if your beloved requests it. Also stear clear of subscriptions to diet magazines, exercise equipment or a year’s membership to a gym.
If, after many sleepless nights you still can’t decide what to get the love of your life, remember real men don’t eat quiche. Neither do they use bath salts, face creams or makeup. And, of course, it goes without saying that diamonds are a girl’s best friend.
Happy Christmas shopping! Your wedding oficiant
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